G: Bring the Kids - PG: Approach With Caution - PG-13: In-Laws, Coworkers Keep Out - R: Wife, In-Laws, Coworkers Definitely Keep Out - X: Probably Something Involving Robert Logan
There was a kid in 9th grade who looked just like Charlie Brown, round head, crew cut, and nondescript physique to match. Not the kind of guy that goes around starting a rock and roll band, but he did, and so goes the legend of Autopsy.
The flyers starting popping up around school a week in advance: ”Autopsy! Live in the Performing Arts Center. 3:PM, Friday. Be there!!” Rumor had it that it was Pumpkin Head’s band, so of course we had to go. 3:PM Friday, Sandy, Suzie and I sat down in the dark with about 25 other kids and waited. The P.A. pumped 'Toccata and Fugue in D Minor', and there was a river of dry ice coming from under the curtain. Scary! We held our breath, as the announcer said, ”Ladies and gentlemen, here’s Autopsy.”
The curtain rises, you can barely see the band for all the fog, and they launch into a hot original titled, ”Tennis Pro.” Pumpkin Head is stalking the stage like a man possessed. He’s decked out in dress jeans, a polo shirt, a silk cape, and swinging a tennis racquet like a madman. It was awesome. The lyrics were about some guy that thinks he’s cool cause he’s a tennis pro, but Pumpkin Head is setting him straight. They get to the powerhouse ’E’ chord ending, Pumpkin Head does an out of control Dave Roth leap, and nothing. Dead silence. Not even a cricket sound like in the movies. Are people not getting this? Truly a prophet is never accepted in his own country.
They continued to end a song, be met with silence, and repeat pattern, until the obligatory drum solo came. The kid playing with them was actually really good, blazing through triplets and everything else his drum instructor taught him. When he finished and the band broke back into the song, all 28 people in the audience stood on their feet and clapped loudly, as if to say, ”You’re great! It’s just your band’s fucked!” The song had a rave-up ending, and again, back to silence. Pumpkin Head had had enough. He flipped the mike to a roadie and stormed off. The roadie looked positively giddy at getting to be on stage. He sang their final song, ”Rock and Roll All Night and Party Every Day,” bouncing up and down like a bunny rabbit to a now interested crowd.
Rumor around school was that Head’s family moved him to another area because he molested another kid, and the last rumor we heard was he was killed on his bicycle after an accident with a diesel truck. Probably bullshit, but nothing can ever diminish the day Autopsy blew the roof off of Lowell High’s Performing Arts Center.Yoohoo! The Boner-Inducing Action Drink »